| HaPpY rAiN |
[28 Sep 2008|08:30pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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This weekend was a first, in that, my parents finally invited Harry over. And it was a success! It was my nephew's Name's Day so we all went to the Rain Forrest Cafe. I was feeling anxious because Harry had to go work in an hour and I really wanted him to stay for the whole dinner, thank God he did. My mom really liked Harry. She finally accepted the fact that Harry is a good guy. And my father, he kept talking about politics to Harry, lol. That actually is a good sign, I though Harry would be ignored by my father, cuz he gets weird sometimes like that. But it was a good experience. Me and Harry, we were both nervous, but he was welcomed and my mom kept inviting him to our house, anytime he'd like :O) Of course, now that it is known that Harry is my bf, I kind of opened up a can of worms cuz now my family will be asking me about where is Harry? Did he call you? etc etc. And today my mom kept asking if we will get married or not or what. If yes, then when and stuff...so many questions, jeeze. I kind of want my parents out of my business. Then my mom kept saying that maybe I should go into nursing b/c I need to be making more money to impress Harry's family, lol. I was like, he needs to impress me, lol, sh*t, women are just "house-wives". I must say I did think about going into nursing, but I would still need money now, so how could I afford paying my bills and going back to nursing school? Sigh, I guess my will isn't there 100% b/c if it was, I would do it...My mom was impressed that Harry's English was really good, of course it is, he was born here! Lol. She also said how manly he got...lol.
So this weekend was a success, despite the rain, I am so relieved that my family knows. I am happy everything worked out with my family. Now it is Harry's turn, lol. I need to get married soon too, so he needs to start "impressing" me.
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| Wind of Change... |
[22 Sep 2008|10:24am] |
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mood |
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happy |
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Wow, this weekend was a blast. Overall, I had a good time.
Friday I saw Blake and Krystina! I was really glad to see her! Saturday, I hung out with Marta all day; we went puppy looking then she came to my house for a bit then we went to the Friday's and then the Firehouse w/Blake, Krystina, Steph, milan, Dan and Marta. We danced and had so much fun, overall... It was an interesting night overall and I am really glad my bf came to pick me and Krystina up.
Sunday was a family day for me. My brother, sis-in-law and nephew came over, as usual. The only diference was that my whole family and I had "the talk", about Harry of course.
Finally, thanks to my mom, brother and of course, my sister-in-law, we had a talk with my father about Harry. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Luckily, I do not have to move out or anything like that, lol... so finally, I feel relieved cuz my parents know about him and they want to meet him. I was interrogated, mostly by my father, asking the most stupidest questions really, "how much does he have saved up? What is his asset size? Does he believe in God? Does he eat meat etc" Lol, he is Harry! I just kept picturing Harry's face if someone were to ask him these questions, lol. It is just so funny when people just have no idea about other people's culture and just the obvious. I never thought about Harry like that, maybe cuz he is Indian on the outside, but "white" on the inside. But, the worse is behind me. Now I can invite Harry for family functions and have him integrate with my crazy family. I have waited for this day in a long time, lol. I can now rest in my sleep and about 75% of my anxiety just disappeared. Maybe this was the thing that was eating me for 4 years. I never did anything wrong but it was the worst feeling in the world. i can thank my mom and brother. They do love me. I wish I was more expressive towards them. I think for the past 5 years I have grown colder toward my family cuz I just "distrusted" them with my choice of having a "non-traditional" guy, non-traditional to them, but it is what I have grown up with though. I didn't live in Cherry Hills, where everyone is white or even Linden, where everyone is Polish, lol. This clash was bound to happen. I just want to protect Harry from ever feeling like sh*t b/c of my family. but things will slowly brighten up and a new day will arise.
So on Saturday will be my nephew's Imieniny (Names Day) @ Rain Forrest Cafe, so everyone invited Harry. I must say I am super excited cuz my parents invited him, but I played it cool, but I am super excited! This is a huge deal for me! I am still anticipating my parents trying to control everything about my relationship with Harry, like "why doesn't he call?", "Why didn't he come over?" blah blah blah. in Poland, you cannot have a relationship, everything is automatically geared toward marriage, so you are bf and a gf for a little while but then you must become a husband and wife. I do not want to be under a microscope cuz I know that will influence my thinking too much cuz my parents know how to "capitalize on my insecurities". But, it is a huge step for me and it is important for Harry to be there and try to adapt. I cannot wait for Saturday!
Aside from that, my neck has been killing me, and I have a head ache and I feel dizzy. It is weird, I hope I am not getting sick, that would s*ck. Yup, cuz for the first time, in a long time, it is Monday and I am happy :O)
This week will be fun, my manager is coming up from NC. He recently got married, lol. over the phone he kept stuttering whenever he said m-m-mmarriage, lol. So, I will make fun of him.
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| UN-workaholic-ized |
[18 Sep 2008|02:30pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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Annoyed, that is what I am. By work of course. The project that I did in May, is coming back to haunt me. Basically, in accounting, there are multiple ways to do certain calculations, and so one way of accounting for something means that there are multiple formulas that you can use, kind of like there are multiple solutions to one problem. Well, the problem is that the way I did it, is not the way they want to calculate it. So yeah, my calc specs were approved in MAY and they are just now getting back to me saying that no, it is not what we want. Lovely. I am sure Steve is pissed too, cuz I messed up. Not only did I use the wrong formula, I messed up the formula itself, I messed up the signs, which changes the meaning of the whole thing. I am a spaz. I do not want to go to work tomorrow and deal with this. Steve is a drama queen, instead of asking for a quick fix, he will lecture me. WTF. I am NOT AN accountant. And my boss should be looking over my work before calc specs are finalized, especially b/c I am not an accountant! I keep messing up cuz I am not an ACCOUNTING EXPERT, DUH!
There, another thing that annoyed me is our new hire UV. She has a hard accent and her English is kind of off. So yesterday, Steve asked me to supervise her but I was so swampped with work, I thought she would have enough basic skills to write an email to our client, lol. This is what she wrote " Good Evening Dev, I am attaching the definations you had ask for. Please read them, We are 20 - 25% done our Testing process." The guy's name was DAVE, not only is her spelling wrong, but her synthax and she used commas instead of periods, lol! So, that killed me. Why did we hire her??! She hasn't done a thing right yet and I feel uncertain cuz I left her with editing my text outputs from my last projects that I haven't looked over yet. But based on this email and her English skills, I better look over it. The girl has no sense of writing or speaking, lol, and I should not be babysitting her! Reading, writing are basic skills that should not be supervised, lol.
So yeah, work is getting tougher, I am too autonomous, my boss never checks our work, so he will be pissed, I know it. He has not talked to me all day. I've been in touch with Norman only.
But at least today I worked from Home and I saw Harry and went to the dentist. Ugh, I have a cavity and my dentist says that my teeth aren't shifting like they were supposed to, but I still have 6 more months. I think they did shift, but my upper right side is super crowded. I hope I am not wasting my money for invisalign, I willsue the orthodontist if he cannot do what I asked for in the first place. He broke our contract.
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| My Dearest Sister-in-Law |
[16 Sep 2008|09:53pm] |
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happy |
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What a day I've had today! It started slow, going to work and etc...then, by mid-afternoon my boss gets annoyed at me for not catching a "crucial" system error, but in my mind the way the system was processing it, was the right way to begin with, but it wasn't...this once again falls into that category of I wish someone was proof-reading my work!!! I appreciate the fact that my boss allows us to be autonomous but then he gets pissed if we f*ck up. Blah!
Then after-work, I went to see Harry for dinner. I guess lately I have been feeling more needy than usual. I need to have certainty and a constant "it is gonna be OK" whispered to my ear. I need to be comforted b/c my mind is slipping again and I get up around 2 am and have anxiety and panic attacks again about things I worry about...like, the last thing I think about before I go to sleep, which usually is something stressful, then it wakes me up in the middle of the night and I just get so anxious. Yea, I so need a shrink and some higher power, lol.
So then I got home, feeling better after our 3 hour talk. That is when my mom went to talk to me and she asked me when will I bring Harry over for dinner? I was like what?! So then we talked some more and I told her, well I thought you didn't like him b/c of his race etc and that is when she said, "well, you know what, I do not like my daughter-in-law too, so it doesn't matter, I want to meet him, it is your life and not mine so I must accept it". Well, at least I am not a lesbian, that would of been tougher to fight. Now, just my father needs to be told what to do and how to behave. I guess patience pays off sometimes. I just do not want my parents to "control" me now that I have a "boyfriend". I know they will always watch my moves, ask me when did he call you? Why isn't he this or why he didn't do that...blah blah blah, kind of like Marta's parents did. But I will have a b*tch fit if it ever resorts to that. Having a steady job with steady income, my parents have improved the way they treat me b/c they need me and I am the last kid left in the house cuz my brother has been "broken" by another woman, lol. I think my mom doesn't like my sis-in-law cuz she took her son away and she is very sturdy and head-strong. My mom is not used to powerful women. I hope I wont be that type of daughter in law. I do not want problems but I wish people did things my way and everything will be ok, lol.
So this year hasn't been so bad, I suppose, my bday wish partially is coming true :O) Maybe things aren't as bad, maybe I should stop worrying b/c it gets me severely sick.
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| Substantial |
[15 Sep 2008|02:51pm] |
I had a good weekend.
Friday night I watched The Eye w/Blake, in Starbucks where Harry works at.
I helped out Blake w/his movie on Saturday night. Later, we all went out to dinner w/Danny, Wilson, Vicky, Blake, me & Harry.
On Sunday, I went to Marta's. It was a great Beach Day. She will be getting a puppy and I will help her find one :O) I am excited! Lol, dogs are the best animals out there!
Aside from that, I am back at work (boooo!). The traffic was terrible, it was just pure bumper to bumper for 60 mins on the parkway. Sigh. I would gladly work from 7 - 3 and miss both rush-hours, but my boss always makes us stay for his stupid 4 pm random unscheduled meetings, lol. WTF!
So yeah, today is a loong day so far, all of the investors keep calling and asking about the market conditions and such - oh the joys of Monday-ism. People should just look at the news - it is called Capitalism and Darwinism.
Aside from the usual work fiasco, I got to know one of my co-workers today. Me and my co-worker UV, were working together and I found out some pretty cool things about her. Last weekend this guy that likes her, flew her to GA where they went sight seeing and rock-climbing. Then she said she isn't returning his calls b/c she wants a real serious relationship and he has to prove to her that that is what he wants too. Yeah, apprently he is a different type of Hindu from her so, she is ok with that, but would he be ok with that, is where it stands. Lol, I couldn't stop laughing - poor guy. If a guy flies you over to his house in a different state, then that is asking for trouble, cuz we all know what guys want after they show you a good time, but yet she played him, lol. We should all take notes from this girl, lol. She stayed in a different hotel from him and she flew back using her own money, lol. How funny.
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| Swampped (sp?) |
[12 Sep 2008|11:19am] |
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 worried |
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What a week! TGIF! The award for the most akward moment goes to Steve:
Steve: " Wow, I have a thing for people in red jackets, with blonde hair, blue eyes and milky white skin. Oh God - I've said too much. Please do not report me."
Me (with a red jacket): "Wow, thanks. I forgive you for those comments only b/c you are semi-autistic and you cannot control your words, lol"
Anyway, this whole week was a mess for me, work wise... everything was on my head, even though I am not the project manager, I did what a project manager does, which p*ssed me off b/c I am not being properly compensated to perform such duties... and I do not want to allow for anyone to take advantage of me, it is not my style. So, I've been applying for IT Consultaion jobs... I also talked to my brother. Of course, he suggests that I go to Poland and get a job there, b/c there I will be treated as a Princess b/c :
1. I have a foreign degree
2. I majored in an important field (Math/Comp Sci)
3. I speak English and I could write in the "business Eng language"
But I think he wants me to move back there b/c his wifey is pressuring him real badly. She is unhappy here and always compares everything to "How Great Poland is". But, last month my brother told her, you weren't happy here nor there. You had no friends there either. That shut her up, lol. So in essence, I feel that is why he wants me to go to Poland, so they could go there too and count on me. Sigh, the truth is, although I have thought about it, I do not feel I could change my environment by moving to another country, again. Yes, I was born there, but everything is so different. I wish they understood that. Right now, I feel I am in "No-Man's Land", I am an outsider in the USA and Pol, but at least I am "comfortable" here. Plus, I cannot leave Harry. They keep telling me that "it is not like I am married" and give it a shot. But how would my relationship survive? Plus, I may not have a lot of friends, but the friends I have are efficient enough to fill a part of my void, for not having any cousins around or other family that I have in Pol. Plus, when I went back there this summer, they were strange, lol. Not in a bad way, just a strange way. Their values, way of life, is all different and etc. Like marriage - they kept harrassing me why I wasn't married, but over here people get married in their 30s and it is OK. Over there, it is the biggest sin ever, lol. So the bottom line is, I cannot move there b/c of job opportunities. I will be lost. I do not have any friends there, just family - family that I grew apart from anyway. Do I really want that? They have their lives, will they really give a d*mn about a cousin who will need to "re-adjust" to her new life, if she were to move back there? No, i do not think so - Only b/c they do not understand what I am going through b/c they think it could be "relearned"...
Growing up here, even to a certian extent, I felt like an outsider. I am white, but I have an accent, so white kids never really wanted to be my friends, and I wasn't "dark" enough to have colored friends...so I kind of drifted my whole life, and it made me feel like sh*t. in poland I grew up w/o parents, so I was also kind of friendless b/c that was very strange to young kids. I feel that my idenity was compromised b/c of the move from one country to another and I do not want to feel that way again. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy. This is the furthest place that can get you: your mind. I have self confidence issues,
I wish my family could leave me alone - about who to date, not to date...where to move, where not to move etc. If they wanna move back, they should go, IDC, it is their life, I accept it. I, on the other hand, stand alone again. I guess, I kind of always thought that my brother at least understood what I feel like, but now I question him too. No one undertsands what it is like to move to another country, where all you know is abandoned and you live in a neighborhood that is away from "your kind". At least Spanish, Indian people etc, keep it together by living in cities that are filled with their culture and they go to their culture's community activities etc; I never had that. My parents never once took us to a polish festival or anything. I am cultureless and all I know is the Christmas and Easter dinners at our house... I must say, I am also annoyed, that I have a bf here, yes we are not married, but wtf, why would my brother tell me to go a look for jobs in pol? That insulted me, especially b/c I know those were my sister-in-laws words...she is shady sometimes, but I must preserve my cool and keep the balance in my family life...Men do change once they get married. I think it is true, "Behind all great men, is their woman who controls them". Sigh, anyway, lol, I am also trying to get some counseling for these issues, but there are so many choices I do not know who to go with?! Also, I don't know what to do about my job!?! I am unhappy with this "political job stuff", b/c everything is disorganized here, which makes my job harder than it should be, although the actual job tasks and the people, are OK, does that make sense? And the money and the benefits are a little above avg too...life is so complicated! I do not know what I am doing and how to get out of here! Help?
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| Stressing... |
[10 Sep 2008|11:22am] |
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Ok, this is not funny... I finally figured out why I dislike coming to work...besides the traffic jams, I really hate how disorganized everything is here! So it is the "politics" of the job that make me hate it. Too many people doing too many things and no one to go to for guidance. So, basically, our team has picked up a project from another unit, so we are creating new software for them. Basically, the deadline for all of the "stuff", that we need and they want, is needed by Friday. However, we are still missing so many f*cking files and whenever we send them reminders they are like "I don't know"? WTF.
My boss wants me to be in charge of the process handeling, the input/output logic and all of this other cr*p and I am p*ssed. Why should I be doing this sh*t all by myself... Norman is slow, and the new girl is not up to date, so WTF!
Monday and Tues, I was in his office and I didn't even have lunch that is how busy I am cuz he wants everything by Friday, but these stupid people keep changing everything on me. I am annoyed.
Yesterday I was exhausted. I did not get out until like 7 PM.
I wish some of the places I applied for called me back already cuz I want to work for a small business. Corporations are too disorganized.
Ugh, yesterday I also went to the gym with Norman and urvee...luckily, at least I can stand my co-workers with their personalities, but I question them as workers, lol. Maybe that is what kept me here, that and my crazy boss. They are very nice people on the outside, but my boss doesn't know how to manage us, he leaves us alone for weeks at a time and then randomly shows up to see if we met the deadlines. I have mastered autonomy but Norman failed a few times, and that is when I have to pick up his slack too... geeze.
I wish I went on vacation. Or got a new job?
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| Welcome Back Office |
[26 Aug 2008|02:38pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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So I went back to work, sigh. I feel like I wasn't here for a good year! My manager got married and Norman went back to his gf that he broke up with for 5 months, lol. I think he will get married next but Urvee says it will be her, lol, even though she doesn't have anyone yet...we shall see.
Yesterday I've decided to take the day off and I went to the beach with Harry, Blake, Danny, Steph and Milan. We ended up going to Belmar, I think and the water was really rough though but the temperature was great. I had a great time! Going to the beach is a lot more fun than going by yourself.
So today was my first day back at work and luckily, the traffic was light b/c it is like the last week of the summer so people are not going to work. Works for me! As soon as I got in, I was chatting with everyone about my vacation and Norman and I started talking about the politics. I have never met such a person that is so interested in talking about my culture the way norman does, lol. I mean, we were talking for like 3 hours about the Rocket Shield that the US wants to build in Pol. He enjoys talking to people about international affairs b/c he likes the different persective. It is cool, i suppose...
Then, I had to catch up on my emails... and then I had my mid yr review with my boss... he basically said that he is very happy with me and if it were up to him I would get promoted again b/c he doesn't want to lose me. I am a valuable asset to his unit and he wants me to be happy "$$$", lol. He said all of this, but unfortunaltely the only bad criticism he had about me is that I never "speak up" and I am "withdrawn", and he is ok with it cuz it is my personality but I need to learn to put on a bull-sh*t "face". I just don't get his point but in the politics of a corporate world, he is 1000 % right. He basically said that I need to "sell" myself as the best sh*t that ever happened to this unit by talking to his boss now, who is a VP of Marketing/ Sales (nice guy and all but he is never here!) Lol. My boss also said that I need to take on new challenges and pick up new skills. Once you become "comfortable", you need to feel "uncomfortable" to know that you are learning and picking up new skills. However, some people do get to the top b/c they know how to bull sh*t, a skill I need to work on pronto. I cannot believe the same thing that hindered Harry is haunting me now... I need to learn to be FAKE! No wonder people who have office jobs get depression and get sick...smiling and kissing *ss can get you so far...jeeze.
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| Family Came and Went |
[23 Aug 2008|07:35am] |
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 calm |
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I am back and what a trip I've had. Once I got there, my uncle picked us up and took us to my grandma's where I went to my favorite mall in the whole world and then slept for like 20 hours. Thank god my grandma lives 20 mins away from the airport cuz I was so tired from the crammed flight.
Overall the trip to my homeland was good but very short. I never realized how much family I've had I guess cuz they all kept coming over and seeing us. But the primary reason we had seen so much family is b/c my 22 yr old cousin got married. The wedding celebrations began as soon as I arrived there which was last Thursday. We went to Ukraine right after that to pick up booze and food for the wedding. Ukraine is a scary place, that is all I can say, lol. Once we were back, my family greeted us warmly, especially me. Everyone of my contemporary cousins wanted to have vodka shots with me. It was unbelievable, I never had so many shots of vodka before, lol. Between Thursday and Saturday I must of had 2 gal of shots in my body, lol. Some of the vodka was home made too and that was like 97% proof Spirytus & bimber, damn I wish I havn't drank that. Honestly, b/c of that I don't remember much of those 4 wedding days. The wedding occurred on Sat in a beautiful church. I guess one main difference I saw in this wedding was that both the bride and the groom walked down the aisle together and no bride's maids etc. The wedding was long about 40 mins. The priest did most of the talking, they then had to go pray to Holy Mary, it was weird, I got lost, lol. I want a simple 15 min wedding cuz it is all about the reception anyway! The reception was filled with sooo much freaken food! OMG, lol. I think you can feed China and India with that much food. The reception lasted from 7PM until 6 am, but by then I got so sick, lol. I had to go to the hospital to have my stomach pumped b/c I consumed so much alcohol. It was embarrassing especially b/c all of my cousins were laughing at me that "America tamed me" and I am not Polish. In essence, they were right. I did feel like such an outsider. I tried so hard to fit in but I just didn't understand their lives and they didn't understand mine. One of the main questions I was tortured with was "Why aren't you married yet?". I mean, I am the last female in my family that everyone will watch under the microscope now cuz I need to get married. But I have someone, marriage can wait - their response was if you truly are in love then marriage should be an easy solution. jeeze, I just smiled and said "b/c my parents do not have any dowry to give me", lol. Well, that is partially true, but also you need to have so much money saved up before you get married, especially b/c I probably will not receive any support from my parents. I kept making up excuses but boy, that got me really thinking what is the definition of life? Their lives are so simple...you are born, are Christened, go to school, have your Communion, go on group dates at 13, have a bf by 16 and get married in your early 20s. I wish my life was that simple for me, lol.
So once I got out of the hospital I went to Warsaw. My married cousin was sad b/c I didn't make it to her Poprawiny which is another reception after the first reception. So they partied for like 5 days straight. I was like, I am almost dead, lol...I got yellow, I had a swollen stomach, my feet and hands were swollen, lol. So, in Warsaw I rested. There was a mall across the street from my grandma's apartament buildings and i thought it was the greatest thing ever! That mall had everything, lol. Shopping, grocery stores, movies theaters and bowling and pool halls and arcade halls on the third floor around the food court and on the 4th floor was a club. I had so much fun there. And of course, I finally saw my baby girl, Karolina. She is my favorite cousin, she is a year older and I always looked up to her and still do! We both grew up without fathers so when we were 6 & 7 we got married, lol, and she is my husband and I am the wife, so we can have a family, which is what we both wanted. Gosh she is still beautiful. She just had a baby 4 months ago and she looked FANTASTIC and she was a size 2! And my niece is adorable too! My cousin looked as if the baby was adopted, I mean, where is the fat or evidence that you just had a baby!? OMG! If I was a guy, I would so want her for myself too, lol. She was always the pretty one, with a nice personality...and of course I met her husband too, Marcin. He was ok, the jealous type of course... But I was the happiest to see Karolina. I can't wait for Harry to finally meet her. I wanted to give her a green card so she could come here easier but I don't know how long it takes.
Then of course I also spent lots of time with my grandma, where she cooked and cooked and brought me tons of fresh fruits that were soooo good! Natural food tastes 1000% better than here. I missed that the most about my homeland: my grandma, the food and my cousins. Other than that, I do not belong there. The people were rude, everything almost closes down around 6 PM cuz of summer hours and nothing is open on Sundays b/c the Catholic church has so much power in the govt. The people's interests and such...WTF! I feel so homeless, lol... I still do not understand where do I belong.
But the thing that sucked the most was the fact that our flight got canceled an hour before departure b/c there weren't enough passengers and they said to come back on like 8/26. WTF!? Polish airlines for you. Poland is still a developing country but the way they do business there is still very very unprofessional, lol. My mother and I were pissed so we were like find as another flight right now, on another air line. So we had connecting flights on Luftansa where we were flying for like 20 hours, lol. In addition to that, the polish airport had tighter security proto-calls than Newark. I mean, there they had so many machines and other contaminate detectors. Some guy around us had been treated with iodine or something and so we all kept beeping...jeeze... But I guess, I am glad they put us on better planes, we had more entertainment and I watched so many movies. The trip coming back was long but comfy. I'll post pics on facebook :O)
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| Why this weekend? |
[02 Aug 2008|02:46pm] |
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mood |
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worried |
] |
Well, I finally got my ultra-sound result report back, sigh, the good news is that I am ok and the bad news is that I am not ok, sort of. They found some cyst near my cervix or something and that must be monitored... I am f*cking scared now. I feel so alone but I should not be left alone b/c I might hurt myself, lol. So today I will chill with my mom cuz I need a new source of comfort. Why must I receive these letter-news on a weekend when I can't get in touch with anyone? And it won't be til Monday that I can talk to someone about this...and I also have a severe hormone imbalance right now which explains everything, from mood swings to hair growth everywhere, and blah lol... The story of my life. Stress is stressing me out!
Yesterday at work, I was alone. Everyone in my row took a vacation day, lol. I should of brought some of my movies with me and watched them to kill time. Instead I decided to get my application done for Seton Hall. I can take up to 10 classes as a Non-Matriculating student. I am so undecided though. My brother suggested that I go work for an international business to see if I'd like that. Everyone is telling me I should "explore", but I like the money I get here... But I think that would be a good idea, I'd like to travel more. Since I will go to Poland soon, I think I will apply to some places to see if I can land an interview during my time there...I should stop wasting my time and be my own worse enemy. Everyone else is doing things and so should I.
Today is my grandma's bday and I forgot! I can't believe it is AUGUST already! I feel like my head is spinning in a million directions. But at least I feel a little relieved but now I am more scared about my health and the possibility of not having kids one day is super stressing me out. God must really hate me.
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| Agitated and irritated |
[31 Jul 2008|09:32pm] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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Sigh, today: I worked from home, got a lot accomplished when I am not annoyed by Norman or the new girl. I also have looked at some job openings in other companies. Sigh, I guess I am not happy with where I am. I see other people moving in their lives, going places, switching jobs, buying property or getting married and I am doing nothing really...
Aside from that, Harry was supposed to hang out with me tonight but he canceled or forgot or whatever. A part of me feels that he isn't maturing fast enough and he still acknowledges me as a "friend" only and not a girlfriend. He will go to England next week and he will work this entire weekend so I will not get to see him this weekend either. He is such a child, I just don't get it. Older men probably worship and appreciate their gfs more than someone of your own age...sigh, well other than that I went to Blockbuster w/Blake where I got really cool films for 4/$20 and it brightened up my day.
Well, I will watch my movies tonight...sigh...saddening, I know.
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| Dumb dumbee dumb |
[30 Jul 2008|01:36pm] |
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My brain is fried. Why is my co-worker so ret*rded?!
So on Wed my boss works from home and so I was left with my co-worker alone to work on a system miscalculation. All I can say is that right now I feel like I took a 4 hour calculus I final. My co-worker is so retarded, I tried explaining to him what was wrong and I even drew pictures, graphs, charts, timelines etc, even the new girl got it! The basic problem was that one of the inputs in our calculation tool was ignoring the range that was put in, so the numbers were being calculated beyond the period specified. So after I have explained this to him, he went back to his desk and then he emailed my boss saying that he had found another system inconsistency and it was the same bug that I explained to him 5 minutes earlier. So my boss responded with a big "?", lmao and told me to take the lead cuz Norman is just lost. This is why America will not be America in 10 + years cuz of dumb-a**es like my co-worker...and believe me, the scarier part is that there are more of them. If I do not get something I keep asking and asking so that I get an answer. My co-worker will just restate the question and "pretend" like he got it... creating, developing and enhancing software is a tough job, where one needs to have critical thinking skills and Norman, I am sorry, but maybe shoprite is hiring?!
Yesterday I saw Batman w/Harry and I thought it was great. Joker gets an A++++, he was so scary and freaky, totally different from the original Joker from the first Batman movie in the 1990s.
Well, that is all she wrote. I just had to share my frustrations with my co-worker, I guess I am super bothered b/c I know he is making more $$$ than me but he doesn't deserve it and I do. This job calls for a systems person with analytical skills b/c al this other insurance stuff, can be learned...but my co-worker has the "insurance" back-ground but cannot apply it anywhere. Bon voyage.
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| Sweet Day :O) |
[28 Jul 2008|09:17pm] |
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This weekend was alright but today was just the sweetest and serenest day! Harry and I went to Six Flags where we met up with my brother and sis in law, but b/c we came in later than my brother, we all only went on one ride together. Mad people ! I kind of feel bad cuz I called out of work, but this is worth infinity of call-outs, lol.
Harry has no idea that this meant the world to me! I used to beg my parents to take me to Six Flags when I was younger and they never did but I went with Harry! Finally! There we have talked about stuff too, from career growths to marriage too. I suppose the best time to propose is 18 months before the planned wedding, some people get engaged for 3+ years, which is too much. Yea, I suppose it is every girl's fantasy to be happily married. I would want a small wedding that is exotic on some island, where we can invite friends and close family and make a vacation out of it too for everyone...as for brides maids, I don't really know much about that stuff, in the US people have like 12 but what I came to know is that it is one couple that are the "witnesses" to the wedding and usually the guy picks his oldest boy sibling and the girl picks her oldest female sibling, so I dunno ??! But yep, I am so happy. I finally realized, he'd do anything for me...he really hates theme parks but he did it for me. He really HATES it...but he is a good guy...everyone that met him says he is a good guy...my sis in law, my grandma too, they all love Harry's personality :O) He is a good, kind, caring, respectful and lovable guy :O)
Anyway, once I came back my mother made me go dress shopping with her for my cousins wedding in Poland. I swear, she is putting more effort into that than anything she'd ever did for her children, now I see why my brother is bothered by this! His wedding is in Dec and my parents aren't doing sh*t. My brother is paying for everything and planning everything... I guess history repeats itself. My mother's in-laws also paid for nothing for her wedding. Well, it isn't about money, just the principle, my mother is running around like a chicken with no head for some girl's wedding that she hadn't seen in forever and I have a boat load of school loans. I guess we all have our battles.
But today my day was very happy :O)
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| I think I will cry now... |
[25 Jul 2008|03:19pm] |
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What a day and a week. TGIF. I am so exhausted, probably b/c I stress myself out??! Anyway, yesterday I worked from home and I had a lot b/s work to do, so today I made sure that the new girl had my wrath so I handed this stuff down to her, lol. Hey if my boss wants me to be a supervisor, I will supervise her alright...hehehehe.
Aside from that, I had my ultrasound yesterday too, after I wrestled my doctor to give me a referral. I cannot believe she wanted me to wait 3 months to retake the blood tests again?! People need to take their health into their own hands and this is what I did. I also requested to see my blood results too, so then I went online to see what they mean. My Testosterone levels were really high and my ratios of other hormones were out of whack...so I guess I see why my doctor thought that I was otherwise ok, cuz my other leveles were within "range". So I went to get my ultrasound and they made me drink 24 oz of water, so I had to pee really badly, lol. So the radiologist was pushing my stomach down as she was taking pictures of my pelvic/abdominal area and it made me wanna pee even more. She kept looking at my right ovary and my liver for like the longest and she had this really strange look on her face...she then did a pulse reading of the blood flow to my vena cava or something, it was loud as hell. She was looking at the blood flow on my right side. WHY did she do the right side ONLY??! I couldn't relax, I kept asking her questions and she said that someone else will be reading these pics, not her, lol...OMG she was like freaking me out!!! I heard my heart beat faster and faster. OMG what if I am really messed up!?? I couldn't fall asleep...I ate nothing for like 36 hours... I want my results NOW!!! Help, I am a nervous wreck!
At work, I am overwhelmed today. The new project that we have is all tangled up and it just sux...i just wanna go drinking tonight. We also have a system bug that we are trying to fix but once it was fixed more sh*t just broke...sigh... I will also take Monday off cuz my brother wants to go to 6-Flags, but I haven't told anyone yet, I will have to just "call out". The rule is that you need to give a 5 day notice but we are so busy here that I didn't want to ask, but we have the new girl so let her pick up some slack, lol. F*ck it, IDC, I need a vacation so I will call out. Family time is more important to me.
I am SO NERVOUS now! I was googling ovary, vena cava, liver and such and I kept getting all of these crazy a** diseases...OMG....PCOS, Non Alcoholic Fatty Liver, CAH, it just doesn't stop! I can't get it out of my head!
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| A Few Good Men |
[22 Jul 2008|02:27pm] |
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So today I feel exhausted. It feels like a Monday. I had a real good time at the water park in Keansburg with Harry yesterday. He really tried to cheer me up b/c I was a total wreck b/c of everything that is on my mind. I wish Harry and I went somewhere everyday like that. I just cannot accept the fact that I cannot have my way all the time. I also need to get more friends. I am a mess.
Today I went back to work and like a house of cards, it all fell down on me...the work that is... We are experiencing some bugs and I have to decipher it. Ooops, I f*cked up cuz I should have caught it a long time ago. Sigh, I also could not concentrate on work b/c of this d*mn ticket! So around lunch time I asked my boss to write me a letter stating that I was at work when this ticket was written and I went to Newark with it. My boss was nice enough to go with me. What a dump that place is! I went to the court house, luckily they took me right away and I think it was cleared up ASAP. I will call the DMV just to make sure my license was not suspended, cuz the court house and DMV are not one unit. The license # was incorrectly inputted into their system. What a bunch of ret*rds. Don't Ever DEAL with Newark, lol. I need to take a shower just from thinking about it. I also ran into a girl from CHS, lol. She was bailing out her bf, lmao. Surpirse, surprise.
Well, back to work. I can now sleep well.
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| MixEd Up |
[20 Jul 2008|05:58pm] |
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It was a weird weekend, maybe b/c there was a full moon out there? Why do bad things keep happening to me? It all started on Friday, when I got home from work I received 2 letters: one from my doctor and one from a court in Newark... apparently, someone got a parking ticket in Newark that they never paid, and they recorded my license plate...great. I looked at the ticket, yes it did have my license # but the car that was described was a Ford !?? WTF!? Don't they check to see that the license plate did not match the car make? Meanwhile they are sending me these upaid and over-due bills and court hearings to me...I never even parked in Newark!!! So I am super p*ssed, b/c I don't know if I have a suspended license or something that I do not know about??! Also, my doctor sent me a letter saying that even though my tests came out "abnormal" she wants to repeat the blood test in 3 months and she gave me no further instructions...WTF !? I can't wait that long. SO now I must go there to get the ultra-sound referral that she said she would give me if things were "abnormal". Stupid, incompetent people p*ss the f*ck out of me.
Aside from that, on Saturday I went with my nephew to Keansburg where they had a carnival play ground for children by the beach. Unfortunately, there were like no people there to give rides, the park looked empty and abandoned, lol. Sigh, at least on Saturday night I got to hang out with Blake, Dan and Stephanie in Hoboken and it was sooo much fun !!! Oh man, Dan took us to a liqueur store where the guy had a "beer" contest in the back of his fridge, lol, and we all had to chug beers in a cold ass freezer. Then b/c I was Polish he wanted to have a Koniak contest with me, umm, no, lol. But once we went to Dan's house we had more fun, I got home really late and 3 hours later my brother came to pick me and my mom up and we went to the beach. I am so exhausted now, but I want to go see Mamma Mia tonight, maybe Harry will come too, that would be nice, but he is probably too tired...Man, I wish I went to see more plays in NYc, I love musicals! :O) SO I guess this movie is just a good alternative and IDC I could see it by myself if I have to, lol.
On Monday I am taking the day off b/c I wanted to go to Dorney Park, but like no one responded and Harry doesn't really wanna go, so I guess he won and I will not go... plus this whole ticket thing in Newark happened so I must clear that up ASAP on Monday morning. I think my brother will come with me too to help out, in case they ask if I drove, cuz I might have a suspended license. I hope that me showing my registration will be enough for them to figure out someone from their side f*cked up and not me using my plates on someone else's car... In this country, anything is possible. What an annoyance.
Happy days are here to stay. I hope everyone will have a lovely week, cuz mine will be probably most likely completely f*cked.
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| Mixed results!? |
[17 Jul 2008|02:29pm] |
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I have been feeling very blue ever since yesterday when I got my lab results back. I apparently have some strong indications that I might have the disease that they thought I might have. It is not contagious just a genetic hormonal abnormality or something. I must now go for more precise blood work and an ultra sound. Harry has been very supportive but I guess even I feel sometimes like I am pushing him away. I feel so over-whelmed and like there is something wrong with me. This sucks.
Aside from that, I am working from home today. I got a new phone yesterday and I had a hard time figuring out how to turn the volume up or down and such, lol. It is a samsung and my other phones were LGs. So that was my morning, and then Harry stopped by and we had lunch. It is such a nice day I want to go outside but it is so hot and humid, lol.
Ugh, I also had a conference call with my boss who loves to talk... I now will have nightmares about him if hulk hogan had brown hair and down syndrome and walked like a retarded velociraptor and suffered from voice immodulation, he'd be about half as weird as my boss, lol.
My mom's company is struggling. They are also changing their health care provider to a more expensive one and it covers less. This makes me nervous because I do not want to be stuck with my parents forever. I wish Harry finished school already so I can have my own life and maybe they would grow up by taking more initiatives. My parents were spoiled in their home country, where the govt would give you everything for nothing, but in return that govt went into massive debt. Which is why the economy of my home country went bad and which is one of the reasons why we moved here. My parents always bash this system here, well I don't think it is that bad but the problem is that YOU are responsible for yourself and no one will spoon feed you - so if you do not like something, change it, like your job. And yes, we are experiencing hard times right now, but that doesn't mean you still cannot get ahead by being inventive and smart. Like I said before, my parents are irritating me with their constant nagging and non-thinking outside of the box.
Now I will take a nap and get paid for it, lol.
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| What a day and it is only 9 am. |
[16 Jul 2008|09:30am] |
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Happy hump-day. Yeah, today started out as an odd day which made me not want to get up in the first place. I think I have e-coli or something cuz my stomach, where my pancrease is, hurts like a b*tch. I guess this is Murphy's Law - whenever something has to go wrong, it goes wrong to the maximum extent. And then I received this email from the strange girl. Eh, I have nothing to say about that anymore.
Today on the radio they were discussing how you know you are a grown man when:
* You do not collect action figures anymore
* You do not sleep with spiderman etc bed sheets
* You no longer stay up all night to play video games
* You no longer have a nick-name for your "willy"
* You have a single girlfriend in your life
* You take life more seriously and take less risks
* You pay your own bills
Interesting. This was from z100.
At work, we've been having meetings upon meetings about the state of the US economy and how each and every sector is suffering except for, energy. This scares me b/c I do not want for there to be massive lay-offs here.
I have been also looking at MBA schools...NJIT is starting to look really good but they are not responsive to any of my inquiries. We shall see. I hope I won't have to take the GMATs again.
I also have to go get an ultra-sound done, but i guess I am procrastinating. If there is a chance that you might have some messed up disease, that is not life threatening or anything, but just an inconvenience to your whole entire life going forward, I think people take different approaches to finding out if they have the disease or not. I rather not know. It is complicated. I hate doctors and medical things cuz you always go there when you are sick or something. That is not a pleasant experience. But either way, it is something that I must live with for the rest of my life and I must deal with it so que sera, sera.
Well, on a good note, I have called verizon and they are giving me 2000 bonus minutes and I can upgarde my phone now. Yay, that made my day. Yup, all companies will do anything to retain business, but the truth is, to give good service, a company must treat their employees well first, so in essence the customer should always be second.
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| Lost and found in translation |
[14 Jul 2008|11:14am] |
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I feel tired and sunburned. This weekend was actually very busy and fun. On Saturday, my brother, sis in law and nephew went to SeaSide Heights and I brought Harry there too. We had so much fun in the sun and the water was very refreshing but very harsh and tiring. I saw my bf with my nephew and my nephew was kind of shy around Harry, it ws cute. After my brother left, me and Harry just walked around the board walk. It was sweet and fun. I wish I could do this everyday! My mom didn't go b/c she wanted to clean the house, but on Sunday me, my brother sis in law, nephew and my mom all went to Belmar, where the beach was dirty and the waves were even more violent. There were shiny jelly fish everywhere, it was eeww, lol. So we all just stayed on the beach and we didn't go into the water. I guess the more interesting thing about Sunday was once again, my sister in law and my brother were talking about their wedding this December and then my sister in law told my mom about Harry and how we were going out for ages and that this cannot be ignored and that she really likes Harry and he is a good guy (but they still call him hindu, which he is not, lol) who eats meat that my parents need to realize that I will never make a good "Polish" wife anyway b/c I am American and so is Harry, so just let it be. She is 25 years old, she lived in America with mixed people her whole life. You cannot put your expectations on her. I am glad my sis in law fought my battle, lol. My mom then said that I never wanted to talk to her about Harry and she was a little hurt but I said it is b/c I know u will not like it so I choose not to be pursuaded or jaded by your point of views, and then my mom got defensive about how I used the "plural" form of everything and that she shouldn't be judged. My mom did say if that is what you want then you should bring him over...so step 1 is done, I told my mom about Harry. Step 2, telling my father. I know he'll be super p*ssed, but I must be prepared for anything.
That beach time was very theraputical in more than 1 way. I do kind of feel bad b/c my mom isn't a bad person and I am sure she will accept Harry and I should have told her sooner, but my father will be the one who always stirrs up sh*t and can never let go of things... Even if Harry were white, catholic and Polish, there would be something about him that my parents wouldn't like. I just do not care, I wish things were better with my parents, but I just do not know how to talk to them, but I guess now I feel a little relived that I can slowly open up to my mother. It is not the end of the world that I am with a "colored" guy?! They value education, have good morals so what is there more to be aware of? I just don't understand why people are such racists and why parents breed it into their children but they forget the fact that growing up, I grew up in mixed communities. I was hardly around white people, none the less Polish. How can I be blamed or scolded at? But I will take the heat, IDC. I am ready to go to the next step. I want to handle this before Aug b/c that is when I could move out if things get really f*cked up.
Aside from that, I am terribly burned and my back will be peeling, lol. I forgot to put on spf on Sunday. Today is Monday and it is rainning. Ugh, thank God we are not gonna have that off-site garden party at one of our VP's houses b/c that is just inappropriate. I wouldn't mind going to a neutral setting, but a house?! Also at work my boss is pressuring me to go and get my MBA b/c of the economic crisis he wants me to be prepared for the future, which I do not disagree but my other boss is saying if you are not planning to get your MBA from a top school, then you shouldn't do it and Rutgers is not a top business school...so IDK, I am thinking about NJIT at this point. My theory is that anything is better than nothing, plus if I decided to work for an international company they don't care if it is UPenn or Mickey Mouse College. Everyone decides their fate.
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| Over-worked & Over-whelmed |
[09 Jul 2008|09:24am] |
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Sugar Honey Iced Tea spells: _ _ _ _. I just delved into a new project at work that will be f*cking pain. This is something they do not teach you in school - that whenever you are given a project/task in your job sometimes you have no resources to look to and you have no idea what you are doing. I appreciate the autonomy but come on! I have to program something using VBA and I am like, I have never taken a pure VBA class! Ugh, and my boss wants me to parce out a part of the project to the new girl too, and she has no clue what an object oriented language even is! This is a classic case of the blind leading the blind. I appreciate the brain stimulus that I will get from this assigment but I do not think I will be successful at it. This s*x. Stress that is all I get here. The systems folks here are all from India and they do not speak English and they rotate them every 6 months anyway so I have no one to turn to for help. Ugh. Maybe I should look for a different job, closer to central NJ and at a private company?!
Then, this morning's commute s*cked cuz there was an accident by my exit and I left early cuz my mom just told me today that she has her doctor's appointment today with the sinus guy at 6 pm. Well, I hope she can go with my father, cuz I got to work late and I wanted to call her but her d*mn phone is always off.
I also have to see the women's "doctor" today on my lunch break. Oh the fun! I cannot believe that these stupid doctors have such crazy hours to take in new patients for their annual visits. You either have to take a day off, wait 5 months to be seen or go during your lunch break to some doctor that is nearby your job. How f*cked up is that? And then there is my dentist. They are open on Saturdays and late evenings but I cannot get those times b/c I am not a "preferred" customer and this one receptionisy said that it is b/c of my insurance they cannot take me after 4 PM?!
On Aug 2 we want to go canoing in upstate NJ, if anyone is interested, please contact me :O)
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